Every Mile Earned

I find myself leaving a mess of emotions on the trails  Heartbreak Anger Frustration Disappointment Failure Remorse Shaken Directionless shame One of my friends posted this not knowing that I was in process of laying it all out to share my failure This is why I'm feeling all the emotions listed above- a little document called Arizona Administrative Code - Title 13, Chapter 4.  This 21 page governing document says I'm not fit to chase my dreams.  It says that a choice I made   20 years ago,  makes me unfit  to be a Peace Officer.   It's their loss, I'd make a goddamm good cop. But what really pisses me off is that my application was looked at by a human, not recruiting software that resumes get run through now.  It was looked at by a human that didn't want to take the time to look beyond the number THREE. THREE!! Three . That number took away the hope I had rekindled for my dream career. ...

Sometimes numbers don't tell the whole story. This was the best time in a 5k I had this year. But this was the hardest 5k I've had this year. I had splits in my mind that were on the edge of what I was capable of but not hitting them is not what is bothering me. We got to the race and as we were walking to the bib pickup, my hip flexor had a slight painful catch to it. Seriously, I tend to ignore any prerace tweats of pain because my brain likes to play tricks with me. I've had some pain before races that was pretty intense and then it just disappears. I read an article once that our brains basically freak out on us when it knows that we are going to face a intense race or workout. (I wish I'd saved the article but there are actually lots out there if you just google it). For the record, I don't ignore pain that doesn't go away! So I felt this tweak and I vaguely remembered slipping this week and feeling a pull in my hip flexor. And then it was gon...

ADDITIONAL MARATHON NOTES If you read my post, Philadelphia Marathon Recap , then you saw that I did a few things different this cycle.  I forgot to include two of the changes I have made. I bought an Orange Mud Hydraquiver this summer and have been using that with handheld water bottles, when they are needed.  I have a bladder that I've never fully enjoyed using. The hydraquiver works perfectly for me. Most of the time I forget that I'm even carrying all that fluid on my back. I'm super thrilled with this purchase. The biggest change I made this cycle has to do with my footwear. Anyone who has known me for 5 minutes, knows I wear VibramFiveFingers . They are what I started running on the road with in 2009, and except for when I sprained my foot in 2015, they are all I have ever run with. I have tried Merrill Gloves but they just don't work for me as well as I'd like.  This cycle I an old injury in my big toe joint, on my right foot, started acting up. On the...

Training Cycle Recap Very late in the spring I hired a coach. Very shortly after that I registered for the Philadelphia Marathon. My poor Musician finally broke down and agreed to the race. He knew first hand from drying my tears, how badly marathon training had gone for me in the past.  It wasn't my original intention. I didn't like the marathon distance. I had two very rough training cycles, struggled with the long runs and was injured by the time I got to the start line of both of them. After I finished Philly in 2015, I swore I would never run another one. I thought I hated the distance. Coach Silver Fox gave me some pretty tough workouts but the hardest thing he asked of me was to slow down . I know the training methodology, I've used it with my athletes but I never applied it to myself.  I never wanted to. I liked running hard, all the time.  It seriously was THE HARDEST thing to run the easy paces he assigned.  But I did it. I knew I had to be all in ...

Breathe.  Breathe in. Breathe out.  Easy, right? Not this week.  Breathe. It's what My Musician says.  Breathe. It's what Coach Silver Fox says.  Breathe. It's what my Princess Unicorn says.  It's just a race, is what my Tinkerbell says.  Thanks kid.  I haven't talked much about how I'm feeling with anyone except My Musician.  I've chatted a bit with my coach and with my Unicorn but not to the extent that I'm struggling.   Why? I hate feeling weak.  I mean I can be vulnerable and share dumb things from my life, share moments of struggle but at times like this, IN the moment, I don't know how to reach out and share the depth of what I'm feeling. To share it IN the moment is admitting I'm feeling weak, afraid, uncertain (stupid, I know.)  That's what I'll try to do. I'm not looking for anyone to help me feel better. I know this is a battle with my mind and that the battle is effecting my...